Why I Hate Women

When I was in second grade, I wrote a paper entitled “Why I Hate Girls”, and now, some 50 years later, I’m writing a paper titled “Why I Hate Women.”  I’ve come a long way, baby.

Actually, I don’t hate all women.  I only hate those I’m trying to date, and yes, yes, yes, I do see the irony in that as well as that slight touch of psychosis.

I just can’t understand why a woman who has reached 50 and finds herself single, doesn’t have any more perspective than when she was 13.

Shouldn’t they have learned all those well-used bromides like “Life is short; let’s enjoy it” or “Why play games; let’s say what we mean and mean what we say”, etc., etc.

What I’m finding is that this group of women seems to be the most uptight, priggish, unyielding, rule-bound people on earth, other than, perhaps, a right-wing Republican nun.

Since I got divorced, I have tried all the options available.  I have signed up for several on-line dating services, I go to singles dances, I work part-time in a bookstore where many of these women shop, and I spend hours in the grocery store.

Now some will say that I have a bad attitude toward women and that is inhibiting my dating success, but I used to be a nice man with a very open mind with a healthy respect for the opposite sex.

I have a daughter and two sisters, all of whom I love and admire, and one of my best friends is a woman, although she is a lawyer, so I can’t decide whether she counts or not.

The fact is that these women that I’m trying to date have sucked all the romance right out of me.  Why do I keep trying to date them, you ask.  Cause I’m a guy.

My resentment started in high gear after my divorce.  I had two really good friends, who were women, and the second I got divorced, they stopped being my friend.  They were both too young for me to date, but I assume they felt they were just too attractive for me to resist.

Do all women think that all men will jump at the chance to sleep with them if given the opportunity?  I remember a 60 plus-year-old woman who suggested to my ex-wife that they should put on short shorts and go out to the golf course and drive the men nuts.  I’m pretty old, but I don’t think there are very many men who are going to be excited about 60 year old women in short-shorts.

I’m also appalled by the way women reject men.  I’ve been blown off in any number of goofy ways, so I know about this.  The latest was a woman who said, “Sure, I’ll go out with you”, and told me her number was in the book.  I’m not sure which book it’s in, but it must be her diary because it sure as hell wasn’t in the phone book.

Ladies, let me explain something.  Any guy over the age of 14 has faced rejection, and any guy over 50 has been rejected more often than pebbles of sand in a desert, so go ahead and say, “No thanks”, because we’d be dumbfounded if you actually said “Yes”,  and we can handle “No” better than the fairy tales you’re telling.

There’s a saying that “If men had to have the babies, civilization would die out”, and I think there’s a lot of truth in that, but if women had to face the rejection that men have to face, they’d all be curled up in a fetal position, crying in the corner of the local salon.

In the interest of honesty, I will admit that I’m not some handsome, hunk, but I’m not Shrek either.  (Although the ears may be similar.)  I am a nice guy, who many women describe as cute, and I’m smart and personable, all traits that women say they’re looking for, but I’m not buying it.

For centuries women have complained about men being pigs and obsessed with women’s looks and not looking inside to find the deeper person.  Well ladies, that crap kite won’t fly anymore because we’re on to you.

If you put a picture of a good-looking guy on a dating service, he’ll get a jillion responses, even if his profile reads:

“I want meet women.  Take to cave. Watch TV endlessly.  Have woman fetch beer, make much food.  Light cigars for me.”

I’m also puzzled why a woman won’t go on a date, just for an evening out.  The actual number of homicidal maniacs that date this demographic of women is pretty small, so you could probably take the chance of meeting at a crowded restaurant and see how it goes.  Besides, what else do you really have to do?

Women seem so quick to judge whether a man is “the right one” before they even go out with them.  Is this that fabled “women’s intuition” or as men call it, “An old wives’ tale.”  Maybe after a date or two, you’ll see that the chemistry just isn’t there, but maybe you’ll have made a new friend, and women over 50 should definitely have men friends.  In fact, all women should have men friends because when a bunch of you hang around together, you know what a mess that it.

I think what steams me is that my whole life I’ve had women lecture me about what pigs men are, but now women have reached equality in this area, especially the ones who should really know better.

It’s like Norm said in the TV show Cheers:  “Women, can’t live with them……..pass the beer nuts.”