“The Real Diet Plan”

There are thousands of books about dieting, all claiming that their special method is the safe, easy way to lose weight quickly, so I’ve decided to jump into the fray and publish my own special diet.
I have several names for my diet, so pick the one you like best:

  1. Here’s the fact, Jack, Diet
  2. Get Off Your Fat Ass Diet
  3. You Already Know How So Quit Stalling Diet
  4. The No B.S. Diet
    At any rate, here’s my plan for weight loss.  Push your chair away from the food more quickly than you have been and go for a walk around the block.  Want to lose twice as much weight?  Push your chair away from the food even quicker and walk around the block twice.  If you want to lose more weight, more quickly, go to your local bookstore, gather up any nine diet books and carry them to the front of the store and then back.  To lose more weight, carry more books and/or make more trips.
    In its essence, my plan is this:  use more calories than you take in.  We all know which things have too many calories for the value of the food.  This is not rocket science.  That large Snickers Blizzard you’re eating has a buttload of calories and very little nutrition, and you know that.  Green food, other than moldy cheese, is good for you and has few calories.  If you eat green M & M’s, ignore this rule.
    When it comes to meat, we all know that chicken and fish has a lot fewer calories than roast beef and pork chops, unless, of course, you use all kinds of batter and butter on the fish and chicken.  Again, if you don’t have that much common sense, you deserve to look like a Buick.
    Now, if you’re the type that just loves food and can’t give it up, the solution is right in front of you.  You’re going to have to burn those calories, and watching television just won’t do that, so you’re going to have to exercise. For the great majority of people, the best exercises are walking and swimming.  If you plan on eating a lot of calories, you’re going to have to do a lot of walking.   You can’t eat a huge meal, take a ten-minute stroll around the neighborhood, and think you have a good plan.  Think again about a large Buick.
    If you took three half-hour walks everyday at a decent pace, you’d be amazed at the weight you could lose, but how many people do you know that have that kind of discipline.  If you could name anyone though, I’ll bet they’re skinny.
    There are many exercises that burn more calories, so if you’re young and energetic, go for it.  Running is great if you’re in shape to run a decent distance and you can stand the pounding.  Have you every seen a fat long-distance runner?  Of course, most of the best distance runners come from places where the people are starving, so that could be a factor.
    Biking is also good exercise, and I’m obviously not talking about motorcycles, but bikes today are so technologically advanced that you don’t have to work nearly as hard as grandma did on her one-speed Schwinn, so you really need to put on a lot of miles to get rid of many calories.
    I like lifting weight, but that just complicates the whole weight loss thing,   Muscle weighs more than fat, so lifting weights can make you look better, but actually weigh more, so unless you’re working with a trainer, I’d skip the lifting weights if you’re goal is to lose weight.  Have you ever seen a skinny weightlifter?
    As for dessert, if it tastes really good and you’re serious about losing weight, you can’t have it.  You can have Jell-O.  I know there are low calorie desserts out there, but 60 calorie fudge bars just make you hungry for another fudge bar.
    Again, we all know that chocolate and sugar will make you fat.  Learn to live without them, or learn to love yourself no matter what you weigh.  Of course, you can exercise away the dessert.  Go ahead and have that hot fudge sundae, but if you live in Des Moines, you’ll need to walk to Minneapolis to get rid of those calories.
    The biggest problem most people have with diets is that they see them as a temporary measure rather than a life style change.  No matter how much weight you lose, once you start eating like Godzilla again, the pounds are coming back.
    The good news is, however, that every year older you get, the easier it is to gain weight and the harder it is to lose it.  Wait……that’s not good news.
    Maybe it’s just easier to learn to embrace your inner Buick.