“Talking to God”

I’ve been struggling with a personal problem and decided to do something I hadn’t done in quite awhile; I thought I’d pray on it.
So that night I got comfortable in bed, and said, “God, it’s me Larry.”
And this deep wonderful voice said, “Hi, Larry. This is God.”
I was, to say the least, deeply surprised, and asked, “God, do you talk to people often?”
“No,” he said, “But I find that if I talk to the occasional person, it does wonders for their faith.”
“I would think so,” I replied.  “I wasn’t really expecting a response.”
“Yes, well, let’s get to it,” God said.  “What’s your last name, Larry?”
“Ummm, it’s Sorensen.”  I replied, shocked that he didn’t already know.
“Does that end with an “on” or an “en”, he asked.
“That would be “en”, I replied.
“Hummm.  Has it been awhile?  I’m not finding anything under your name.” He said.
“Yes, it has been awhile.”
“You know how these computers are, “said God.  “Could I get your social security number?”
“I’m sorry,” I said, “I don’t give out my social security number.”
“Oh sure:  I understand,” said God.  “Good idea.  Maybe your phone number would work.”
So I gave him my phone number, and he said, “That didn’t work either.  I’m using Windows, so you know how that goes.  Ever since Steve Jobs has gotten here, he been wanting me to switch to Apple, but I keep telling him that ITunes is just driving me nuts.”
“Why don’t you ask him to help with ITunes?”  I asked.
“Oh, I did,” said God.  “He said it would take someone a lot smarter than him to explain it.  I asked him if I should bring Bill Gates up here, but he didn’t think that was funny.”
“We could try my cell phone number,” I suggested, and I gave Him that number.
“That worked,” He said.  “I’ve got all your information right here.  I see you’ve got the old I Phone.  Have you looked at the new one yet?”
“No,” I said, “But I’m going to take a look.  What do you think?”
“Oh, I’ve given up on trying figuring out all this electronic stuff,” said God.  “I’ve got people to do that, although we don’t get a lot of computer people up here.”
“I’m not surprised,” I said.  “Who do you get the least amount of?”
“Telephone solicitors, He said sternly.  “I’m just not going to have any of them up here.  I’m on the no call list, and I still get calls about my credit cards.”
“You should put them all in one place and make them call each other 24/7 for eternity,” I offered.
“That’s not a bad Idea,” said God.  The Devil doesn’t even want them down there.  I was thinking about throwing politicians in the mix, but there are a few good ones, so I’ve got a special plan for the bad ones.”
“What’s the plan?” I asked.
“I can’t say,” said God.  “Let’s just say that they’ll be listening to a lot of speeches by people who don’t share their opinions”
“Great idea.  Please tell me Steve King from Iowa is on your list.”  I pleaded.
“He is and he’ll be listening to a lot of speeches in Spanish about the wonders of gay marriage,” God replied.
“Thank God,” I said.
“You’re welcome,” he replied.  “Well, we should be getting down to business.  Now, what was your name again?”
“Larry Sorensen,” I replied.
“Oh, yes,” said God.  “It’s a good thing I don’t do confession or we’d be here awhile.  What is it you wanted to talk about?”
“I was wondering, Lord, does Jesus really love me,” I asked humbly.
“Well, I’d have to ask him.  He’s out on the golf course, as usual, so as soon as he comes back, I’ll ask.”
“Jesus likes to play golf?” I asked.
“Are you kidding,” said God.  “He’s out there all the time.  I can barely get water turned into wine around here.”
“Never mind then,” I said.  Jesus and I will be just fine.”