Fashion tips for men….
or Honey, is this shirt in the hamper clean
Wen the topic of men’s fashion comes up everyone turns to me, because of my good fashion sense my eclectic taste and style, and the fact that most guys have fled the room at the mention of the word fashion, so by default, if am the local fashion expert and I have some excellent ideas for men’s fashion
Of course, I realize that men’s fashion is a bit of an oxymoron. (That’s a contradiction in terms for those of you who went to high school in Nebraska.) Because men aren’t very fashion conscious, I’ll start with the real basics.
All men wear jeans, but the type of jeans you wear speaks volumes about you. If your jeans n stand by themselves, you need to rethink what you’re wearing or else move back to the ’50s. You can either wash those jeans 147 times in a combination of Clorox, Borax and gasoline, or go buy some pre-washed jeans.
Jean fashion is determined by teen-agers, which is like letting a skunk select perfume styles, but that’s the way it is. Consequently, the style for jeans has changed. If you are older and not sure of the correct style, just take your wife with you shopping. If you both fit into a pair of jeans at the same time, then you’re in style.
And yes, there is a place for a hammer and a pair of pliers. Who knows what the kids think those are for, but the pliers’ pocket is great for holding a cell phone.
If you need a dressier pair of pants, then think khaki. All of us who were in the Army, whined and whined about wearing khaki, and now we can’t get enough of it. It’s no wonder they won’t let us old guys make fashion trends.
Buying shirts is simple. If it were up to men, we’d wear T-shirts all the time with an occasional sweat shirt in chilly weather. Unfortunately, it’s not up to us, so here’s all you need to know about shirts. If it has buttons, it’s semi-formal. If it has more than three buttons, it’s formal wear. If it has ruffles, you either got into your wife’s closet by mistake, or you’re a big wussy weenie and need to get down to the bowling alley for a dose of testosterone.
Picking footwear is very important. Big, clunky and ugly is where it’s at. Plus, they need to be brown. Brown is the color of choice because if you spill beer on them, it won’t show.
I’m told that three button suits will be in this year, but it really doesn’t matter much, because men seldom wear suits, and when they do, they seldom button them. Of course, now men’s underwear has buttons, and I have no clue what that’s about. I just hope they don’t go with three buttons there.
In terms of neckties, wear anything you want. So few men wear neckties that none of us know what’s in style anyway. I would stay away from those four-foot-wide jobs that were popular back in the disco days.
Hats are very important to men, but it really doesn’t have anything to do with fashion. We wear hats that express who we are. Personally, I don’t wear hats much because it’s hard to get “big, stupid insensitive jerk” written on a hat, plus I’m bald, so I certainly don’t want to hide that.
All in all, guys just aren’t very fashion conscious. We’re way more interested in comfort that in looks. We sure didn’t invent high heels, panty hose or thongs, and the only reason we ever wear ties is to hide the gravy stains. Now, however, you know all you need to know about men’s fashion.
One last thing. I’ve got a T-shirt that’s 25 years old, and I still wear it. Can anyone beat that?