“Cook tips for idiots”


It’s been said that most of the great chefs in the world are men, and I suspect that is probably true.  While I’m not one of those phony French guys in the tall hats who uses the word cuisine all the time, I think I’m pretty good at cranking out some good old-fashioned down home cooking.  And, as always, I’m going to share some of my best cooking tips with you.

My first rule of cooking is to sprinkle brown sugar on almost everything you cook.  Vegetables may be the exception to this, but I can’t help but think that spinach and Brussels sprouts could use a little help.  I know some of you are thinking of the calories here but don’t confuse this with Weight Watchers.  We’re interested in taste here.  If you want to lose weight, only eat food that’s green.

Here’s another tip.  If you can’t grill it, it’s either dessert or not worth eating.  The exception to the rule is hash brown potatoes, but even those can be done on the grill with a little bit of tinfoil.  Charcoal grilling is preferred.  After all, if you just want to use gas to cook, you might as well pull out the butane torch and scorch it up in a hurry.

Gas grills, however, are so easy that even great cooks like me use them.  To make up for the lack of flavor, add more brown sugar.

For those of you on a tight schedule, I have two words for you: crock pot.  All you have to do is pop some food in it in the morning, and when you come home after work, the food’s done.   Since it cooks so slowly, the meat will be crumbling soft, and it won’t curdle the brown sugar.

Another bonus about crock pots is that you don’t have to worry about timing the food right.  You can stop at the local pub for hours after work, and when you get home, Mr. Crock Pot will be taking care of your food, and he won’t nag you for being late.

This great tip was passed along to me by my Irish grandmother.  Eat your dessert first.

Remember all those times you ate so much you couldn’t handle dessert?  And what part of the meal tastes best?  Exactly.  Why give up the best tasting thing on the table just because of some perverted sense of order.

Reach for the brownies; there will always be plenty of veggies.

Here’s another myth that needs attending to.  Many men think that if you catch it, trap it or shoot it, it will taste better, and that’s just not true.

Old Bubba down at the local grocery store is a much better butcher than you’ll ever be, and that’s where the best cuts of meat are found.

If you’re really into that cave man mentality, go down to the store and ask Bubba if you can pump a bullet or two into the pot roast before you drag it home.

Here’s my final thought on food.  My daughter is a vegetarian, and I don’t know where I went wrong, but here’s a fact of life.  If you’re not eating meat, it’s not a meal, it’s a snack.

I know the people from PETA hate hearing this, but they can go listen to the screams of the grass being killed by the lawn mower.